1) My dream is to become a doctor, also it was my dad's dream so I want to become a doctor. I also have thought about other occupations, but I believe that as a doctor you have a good income and also you do meaningful things by helping and treating patients. I believe that you have to return what society has given you when I possibly retire. So I wish that I can create a charity organization or a foundation for countries that are lacking medical treatment like Dr. Schweitzer.
2) I have never attended school in Korea before and I have never lived in Korea before. I have lived in Singapore for 9 years and I currently attend UWCSEA. I have one younger sister and she's really annoying. However, she does sometimes shows a pity for me and gives me a candy out of the 10-20 packets of candies she has. My hobbies are playing golf and also Call of Duty. These days I am really addicted to Tekken for XBOX. I usually like to read books and I normally read quite fast. I have read a variety of books but currently my favorite book is "The Count of Monte Cristo" by Alexander Dumas.
3) My favorite food is steak. Although, most Koreans like their steak cooked medium well, I grew up with a western appetite I have my steak done medium rare. I hate to eat mushrooms. However, I do like mushroom soup as there is barely any fragrance in it. I have eaten puffer fish before. I love the New York Yankees as I am a New Yorker. I love eating bagel and baked beans in the morning, but at this school they don't have bagels so I just have some cereal and toast. I also enjoy watching my favorite soccer team, Barcelona, play in the LaLiga. I was furious they didn't win any trophies this year, losing the LaLiga to Real Madrid and the UEFA to Chelsea.
Hi, I'm Sintae your writing TA.
ReplyDeleteIt is a good introduction of yourself in that it included a lot of information about yourself. However this essay has a problem in organization. Each paragraph should be centered in one topic, and this is very important. First paragraph is okay, because it only talks about your dream, becoming a doctor. However in the second paragraph, it contains informations about school you went and your favorite book, which does not seem related. Also in the third paragraph, you talk about your favorite food and favorite soccer team, which should be dealt in seperate paragraph. From next time, try writing a 5 paragraphs essay with introduction and a conclusion, with each paragraph containing only one topic.
To comment on grammer,
I also have thought about other occupations, but I believe that as a doctor you have a good income and also you do meaningful things by helping and treating patients. I believe that you have to return what society has given you when I possibly retire.
this sentences include "you" which in unnecessary and incorrect. Change "you" to I or me.